| motivate yourself using the energy of emotion VALERIE SHAYNE is a freelance writer, life-skills coach and mother of three. Born and schooled in Zimbabwe, she completed a commercial degree through UNISA as well as diplomas in business communication, special needs teaching (UK) and life-skills coaching (UK). The role of a life-skills coach includes listening without judging, asking key questions that lead to self-discovery, assistance in setting goals, and support through periods of transition. In this capacity Valerie facilitates personal enrichment workshops for women from her home in Cape Town, providing a forum for inner nurture, self-awareness, self-expression and discussion. Email: vshayne@runbox.com Emotions are friends that protect and guide us. Pleasant emotions keep us feeling positive and engaged in life. Uncomfortable feelings serve as the impetus for change to create more acceptable situations. motivate yourself using the energy of emotion VALERIE SHAYNE is a freelance writer, life-skills coach and mother of three. Born and schooled in Zimbabwe, she completed a commercial degree through UNISA as well as diplomas in business communication, special needs teaching (UK) and life-skills coaching (UK). The role of a life-skills coach includes listening without judging, asking key questions that lead to self-discovery, assistance in setting goals, and support through periods of transition. In this capacity Valerie facilitates personal enrichment workshops for women from her home in Cape Town, providing a forum for inner nurture, self-awareness, self-expression and discussion. Email: vshayne@runbox.com Emotions are friends that protect and guide us. Pleasant emotions keep us feeling positive and engaged in life. Uncomfortable feelings serve as the impetus for change to create more acceptable situations. I recently watched a cooking demon-stration by a skilled chef. He prepared his ingredients carefully, paying attention to their shape, size, colour and texture. A pinch or two of spice was added, then a smattering of herbs. He scattered salt and pepper, fussed over time, temperature and type of oil, and produced a mouth-watering masterpiece. This final result was a combination of a good basic recipe, highly developed instincts of taste, and his distinct personal energy. Using emotion in daily living is something like this process. Life provides ingredients that are flavoured with feeling. The sour and the bitter are just as important as the salty and the sweet! We concoct an outcome, either slapping ingredients together or with consciousness, blending compatible elements, seasoning them and allowing them to ripen into something palatable. MOTIVATION Motivation is having incentive, inspiration, drive and enthusiasm, being spurred on towards achievement or completing a task. Pain and pleasure Pain and pleasure are tremendous motivators, and show us the connection between feelings and actions. If I am at my desk working and start to feel cold, I will ignore this feeling at first if I’m absorbed in what I am doing. However, if I continue to feel colder and colder, the pain of this becomes too intense. I can no longer concentrate and am driven to do something to warm up. Likewise, I sometimes delib-erately let my children feel the pain of their own choices rather than rushing forward to make each moment comfortable for them. Pleasure draws us toward certain outcomes, and the promise of pleasure heightens our threshold for pain. If I’m looking forward to being healthy and vibrant in my old age, I must embrace the sometimes painful discipline of regular exercise and eating moderately now. Similarly, the pleasure of arriving at my destination punctually outweighs the effort it takes to wake up early in order to achieve this. Motivation by pain or need An important principle therefore is to allow, even welcome, pain or chaos as in them lie the seeds of change or growth. Thomas Moore expounds on this idea: ‘Chaos is not just the state of life’s disarray; it is the emotion of unsettledness and confusion. We could call it “a big mess”.’1 Yet in this big mess, the dissolving of all the parts, is the raw material of Possibility. Abraham Maslow, an American psychologist, described motivation according to a hierarchy of needs. Primary physiological needs have priority over needs further up the pyramid such as social or self-esteem needs. This can be a helpful guide when we are troubled by disagreeable emotion. Painful feelings often result simply because we have not taken adequate care of our lower-level needs such as sleep, thirst or safety. It is useful to step aside and find a way to contain and explore these feelings and the needs to which they point. This could mean therapy, writing in a journal or meeting with a friend. For me, walking with my dogs creates a space where I can mull over my current circumstances and how the past is unfolding into the present. PAINFUL EMOTIONS Here are some universal painful emotions, the needs they represent, and the ways in which they can help us2 if we involve the upper brain processes. Fear Fear is a signal that we need protection from physical or psychological danger. ■ Fear of losing control can help us take steps to regain charge over our lives. ■ Fear of failure can stimulate us to prepare, organise and persist. ■ Fear of being alone can help us reach out to others. ■ Fear of the unknown can help us take reasonable precautions and avoid unreasonable risks. ■ Fear of over-dependence can help us develop our own resources and become self-reliant. ■ Fear of exhaustion or depletion can help us make wise choices about where to invest our resources. Anger Anger is usually an expression of fear, a signal that our territory is being invaded or that something important to us is being threatened. In a primal sense, anger arises from the fear that gives the energy to fight off or flee from predators. It is a potent emotion to harness and direct. It is emotionally intelligent to step aside and examine the perceived threat or cause of anger. We must ask: ‘What am I afraid of here? Is it losing my safety, my freedom, another’s acceptance of me, my self-respect? What limit is being violated? Why does this bother me so much? What responses are possible here and which will best serve my goals?’ Disappointment When our expectations are not met, we feel disappointed. This serves as a reality check: our expectations were unrealistic. Disappointment flags the need to re-evaluate: ‘What did I interpret inaccurately? How does this help me to get to know another or myself better? How can I adapt my efforts?’ Guilt We experience guilt when we have dis-honoured an inner value or standard. Healthy guilt leads us to sorrow. We need to admit our mistakes, apologise, ask forgiveness, and where possible make restitution. Then we need to forgive ourselves and learn from the experience so as not to repeat it. Feeling overwhelmed This feeling is usually the result of trying to do too much or please too many people at once. It signals the need to decelerate and gain some perspective, separating facts from feelings. It’s beneficial to ‘reboot’ and establish reasonable goals, ranking them according to values-based rather than fear-driven priorities. Feeling uncomfortable Sometimes a sense of uneasiness sits in the gut or chimes like warning bells in the head. Such discomfort is instructing us to step back and look before we leap. It shouldn’t be ignored but rather unpacked, analysed and addressed, particularly if our boundaries are not being respected. Depression Depression is a secondary emotion pointing to a combination of painful feelings such as grief, loneliness, powerlessness, rejection, shame or discouragement. We may need help in isolating and attending to each specific one. Depression causes us to lose energy and slow down. It is an opportunity to rest and reflect on our unmet emotional needs and changes that may need implementation. THE POWER OF IMAGINATION Let’s not overlook the driving force of positive or pleasurable emotion kindled by imagination! Without it there would be no creativity. Decorating a room, drawing a map, arranging a party, teaching a lesson, designing a garden, painting a picture, telling a story … none of this can occur without imagination. Imagination enables the mind to explore situations from various points of view and to conceive different outcomes and scenarios using all five senses. It is a great tool for re-modelling your life and environment. We could all benefit by consciously applying imagination to our goals. Thomas Moore said: ‘Although we might all like some simple answers, you have to dig into the unique complexity of your life to find the roots of your desires and anxieties.’1 Search for those roots, and harness the energy of your emotions, both the bitter and the sweet. References 1. Moore T. A Life At Work. London: Piatkus Books, 2008. 2. The information regarding specific emotions is adapted from http://www.eqi.org/ |
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